Vice-Captain Cook reveals the hidden ingredients and recipes that no sensible chef of sound mind would ever dream of serving up on a plate to discerning customers. 

His specialist dishes are  bowls of soup, a secret recipe gained by tasting a soup of the day  in a run-down pub and deciding    to emulate their offering. He also specialises in bowls of boiled rice and now he is delighted to share his culinary skills to the readers of Hyena Magazine..

Many thankful customers have urged him to publish his first cookery book but, unfortunately, Vice-Captain Cook cannot read or write. 





Take a horse  and place it in a saucepan, a large saucepan

Throw three sacks of radishes into the saucepan and stir rigorously

Remove the saddle from the horse and serve in a  large dish once the horse has turned a red colour

Perfect for roast beef




Buy a tin of sardines, preferably from a food shop and not  a car boot sale

add olive oil to the disgusting fish oil you find in the tin

Fry gently for a couple of days and add pepper

When the sardines start to sneeze your meal is ready to serve

Make sure you cook this meal for someone you really don't like



Take a saucepan 20 feet deep, fill it with water and bring to the boil

If you have access to a shark that doesn't mind donating all so well and good

Alternatively, to find a shark visit your local second-hand car dealer

Take a thing from the shark, preferably a diamond encrusted wristwatch and throw it in the saucepan

Stir every five minutes until the car dealer turns up and tries to sell you a knackered Ford Fiesta

Keep an eye on the time

Serve with a dash of parsley or cabbage as an alternative and if enjoyed, offer seconds

Join Our Mailing List