Vice-Captain Cook reveals the hidden ingredients and recipes that no sensible chef of sound mind would ever dream of serving up on a plate to discerning customers.
His specialist dishes are bowls of soup, a secret recipe gained by tasting a soup of the day in a run-down pub and deciding to emulate their offering. He also specialises in bowls of boiled rice and now he is delighted to share his culinary skills to the readers of Hyena Magazine..
Many thankful customers have urged him to publish his first cookery book but, unfortunately, Vice-Captain Cook cannot read or write.
Take a horse and place it in a saucepan, a large saucepan
Throw three sacks of radishes into the saucepan and stir rigorously
Remove the saddle from the horse and serve in a large dish once the horse has turned a red colour
Perfect for roast beef
Buy a tin of sardines, preferably from a food shop and not a car boot sale
add olive oil to the disgusting fish oil you find in the tin
Fry gently for a couple of days and add pepper
When the sardines start to sneeze your meal is ready to serve
Make sure you cook this meal for someone you really don't like
SHARK THING SOUP
Take a saucepan 20 feet deep, fill it with water and bring to the boil
If you have access to a shark that doesn't mind donating all so well and good
Alternatively, to find a shark visit your local second-hand car dealer
Take a thing from the shark, preferably a diamond encrusted wristwatch and throw it in the saucepan
Stir every five minutes until the car dealer turns up and tries to sell you a knackered Ford Fiesta
Keep an eye on the time
Serve with a dash of parsley or cabbage as an alternative and if enjoyed, offer seconds